Semester-Ending Horoscopes

By Juli Cariello

Taurus season is upon us! **Image from Flickr**

Aries: We’ve reached the end of your time of the year, but the Aries love will never stop. This week is going to be full of joy and love, and that thing you’re working on will go your way. @cmu.missed.connections will post about you. That vague mention is totally about you. Baddie.

Taurus: Ok, queen (if ya nasty), it’s your time of the year! Get hype, happy birthday, and things are going to align for you by the end of the week!

Gemini: Take some Dayquil or Zyrtec. I see a cold heading your way. Whether it’s a malady of sorts or a metaphorical cold, it’s gonna take you out for a bit. Prep yourself, and if you decide to go to UHS, all I’ll say is good luck (you’ll need it).

Cancer: The sun is gonna shine, and, with that, the world will smile on you, darling. As the weather warms up, it’s time to come out of your shell and spend time with the people you care about. I heard someone’s throwing a party, so make the most of it (before finals RIP).

Leo: This week is gonna go your way. Little rough at the start, but I know you like that (*wink*). Your Hinge/Tinder/Grindr/Duet (who even uses that?) profile is gonna blow up, and the “huzz” will be knocking at your door.

Virgo: Hell week starts early for you. The sun is in Mars (in my heart it is) and that’s not looking too good. Stay on top of things. Otherwise it’s gonna pile up too far, which is not where you want to be right now.

Libra: My darling, it’s going to be ok. Life is a precious thing; get some sleep and put the Celsius down. Hug someone you care about tightly, and let it comfort you.

Scorpio: LOCK IN. Something major is going to disrupt your plan this week, so begin early and stay prepared. You only have two weeks left — make the most of it.

Sagittarius: A bright green talking plant is gonna ask you to start killing people. Trust me when I tell you not to, even if its singing voice is fire.

Capricorn: Lowkey, you’re kind of irrelevant right now. Sorry, not sorry. I get to be personal, and you have been giving me crap for a bit now, so this is my revenge. Be better.

Aquarius: Oof. You’re gonna go through it this week, and honestly, you probably deserve it. To reverse this curse, Venmo the pillbox account $10.

Pisces: Get it together. I know life was mean to you, but it’s been months. And there’s only so much time to be bitter before it takes over. Find clarity, peace, and solace at the end of this school year, and use the time off to find something better.