By Eshaan Joshi
After much deliberation, someone decided to trust Eshaan with today’s horoscopes, so honestly, if there are any issues, direct your complaints to him at evj@andrew.cmu.edu. If you send him any really funny hate mail, we may publish it.
Aquarius: You’re going to have a really bad day. Like, atrociously awful. Worst day of your life. Serves you right for being born in the worst part of the year. Tell your parents to f*** earlier you freak.
Aries: Don’t listen to people telling you not to do things. They’re wrong and bad and think you’re not as amazing as you are. Ignore all warnings, safety signs, and other pieces of information, and just go for it. Trust me, it’ll work out. Also, this includes “DO NOT EAT” stickers.
Cancer: I’m so sorry. Is it terminal?
Capricorn: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, I’m three in and I don’t have any more mumbo jumbo. Do yoga and pet a dog or something, and if any guys text you, block them.
Gemini: Gemin-eye? Gemin-knee? You’re going to have a week filled with strange pronunciations, stupid mistakes, and awkward gaffes, but no, trust me, you do know how to pronounce that Indian name you’ve never seen before. Make sure you say it as loudly as possible.
Leo: Cool guy. Want his number?
Library: Surprise surprise, it’s time for you to enter your bookworm era and pick some random smut from TikTok that has about three decent pages of writing and 13 billion different ways to say the word sex that sound progressively less and less like sex, and read away! There’s nothing like curling up with a good book, so you know this experience will be infinitely worse than that, but you can pretend you actually read things besides Instagram captions and texts.
Pisces: Just stop and appreciate all the wonderful things you have in life. You’re an amazing person. Your birthday was recent. Happy Birthday. I care about you. Care about yourself. You are loved.
Sagittarius: Shut up nerd. You don’t need a horoscope, you need a new personality.
Scorpion: Hey guys, I found a typo in this one, they missed the n I think. It’s okay, I fixed it. Anyway, that girl who threw her drink at you at that one party wants you bad. Go text her. She’s a Capricorn, so you two are destined to be together.
Taurus: Hey man, I know you’re busy and all, but you gotta take a second and realize none of this is worth it, like seriously man, we’re all just people floating on this cosmic asteroid man and you’re doing Concepts and 122 instead of eating dandelions and talking to birds. Man, why are you doing that? Man, you think your ancestors wanted this man? Nah, they wanted you to make bird noises man, stop working and go outside and be a hippie.
Virgo: You absolutely should not take a break at all; you’re going to fail that midterm if you don’t stress every single day. Seriously. There’s a question on that one topic you completely forgot existed and completely don’t get and it’s going to get you. It’s going to get you, and you’re not ready, and you need to study, so stop reading this, put it down, open your notes, and study until 4 a.m., okay?
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