by Jimmy Baracia “Fresh Out of Rehab”
After a long and hard semester, you really need a way to relax. Trust me, I know! And do I have the solution for you! It’s something I’ve been incorporating since I was in kindergarten and something that has not failed me yet… pregaming my exams! You heard me right! Yes, pregame your exams. Not only does it calm the nerves, but it makes it a helluva lot more fun, too. So, here in this article, I will be telling all you Natrat readers which drinks I would recommend you stack up on before your next exam, based on major.
Computer Science
We’re starting off strong with computer science! You guys probably need this advice the most (alongside advice about showering and personal hygiene, but I’ll cover that in another Natrat article in the future). I’d recommend either Skrewball or Crown Russe — horrible options, I know! Absolutely disgusting, vile, nauseating, puke-inducing liqueurs. However! You would need to be so desperate to drink either one that Computer Science exams are really the only appropriate occasion.
Engineering
I’d recommend a pint of beer. I don’t know, something about that just seems right.
Chemistry
You should mix your very own specialty cocktail! And, boy, do I have the recipe for you. Mix 50 percent methanol with 50 percent ethanol and TA-DA! You will probably die or go blind or both. But hey, that might be better than your chemistry exam after all so why not give it a shot?
Vocal Performance
I know what you’re going to say: “We can’t drink, it’ll hurt our pipes!”, so I was going to recommend taking an edible, but then I thought about it — why not kill two birds with one stone? Let’s just hope your exam is on a Monday because I just couldn’t not recommend a shot pitcher at Hemingway’s Cafe (bonus points if you get the $5.50 deal one too). That way, you can sing some karaoke and warm up your chords while also knocking a few pitchers back in preparation!
Business
Well, you see, I had a few recommendations to give, but after a little bit of deliberating with myself I decided that maybe you all should just stay sober. You will need all of your brain cells to stay as clear-minded as possible if you want any hopes of passing your exams. No, seriously, just don’t drink.
Linguistics
The strongest thing you can find. Moonshine, Spirytus, Everclear, Golden Grain, you get the gist. What would ever possess you to do that to yourself?
English
I know you English majors don’t have exams, but why not pregame your essays? Alright, for those of you who are a little more classy, a good Irish coffee and a cigarette should suffice; however, if you have to write a million and one creative works over the next few weeks, why not try something a little stronger? Perchance a concoction of your own making? I recommend straight Tito’s, methamphetamine, LSD, and whatever else you might want to add. Speaking of which, does anyone have a plug? Asking for a friend, of course.
Art
We get it, you guys have the coolest building on campus.ow please stop rubbing it in our face! For that reason, you should probably have some ridiculously expensive and pretentious bourbon, mayhaps Pappy Van Winkle? Sure, you could’ve just picked up any old bottle of bourbon, but no, you had to go with the most expensive one on the shelf.
Drama
I was going to say one too many glasses of wine, though it may be more apt to just down the whole bottle. Finish it. Kill it off. There will be nothing left. The wine has to be red though, it’s more dramatic.
History
A nice glass of Veuve clicquot would be perfect, but after further contemplation I realized that you probably won’t be able to afford it as a history major… so maybe just go with something cheaper. A prosecco? Pinot grigio? Literally anything that is less expensive.
Math
One margarita, two margaritas, three margaritas, four! Five margaritas, six margaritas, seven margaritas, more! You deserve something fun after all the miserable work you’re doing and what could be more fun than a margarita? Alright, now that you’ve killed more margaritas than you can count on both hands, I have a quick math question, one that’ll be sure to prepare you for your exam: say Jimmy drinks 532 margaritas and every single margarita costs $1 more than the last and the total bill is $4,832. Would Jimmy have to be hospitalized for drinking all those margaritas?
Physics
Cosmopolitans. Just cosmopolitans. I really only chose cosmopolitans because of the presence of “cosmo” in the name. I just thought it was fitting. Speaking of which, does anyone know what cosmopolitan means? Political stars?
Statistics
Do I have a specific drink for you? No. Do I have a reason? Yes. Really, you ought to just choose any drink that’ll give you some bang for your buck — you are statistical after all, so choose something that’s worth the cost: a good price for a good amount and a good taste!
Psychology
I created this personal conspiracy theory that caffeine and alcohol actually cancel each other out. Yes, you heard that right. One cup of coffee cancels out all the effects of alcohol. So as a psychology major, you should drink an espresso martini or a vodka redbull so that all the effects cancel out and you are ready to go at any time and any place!
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