by William Curvan “Buggy enthusiast”
On April 1, scandal broke when a memo was released by Sweepstakes announcing that a long-time buggy team will be disqualified from race day this year due to alleged cheating.
The violator was the off-off campus fraternity Zeta Apple Pie, which was discovered to have been systematically making their buggies smaller than their intended drivers could fit. When the drivers weren’t able to get in the buggies, they were pressured by senior members of the team to microdose arsenic to make their bones lighter and smaller.
In a 3,549 page report on the investigation by sweepstakes, ΖΑП was described as having a “toxic culture” mired by coercion, hazing, and “rampant buggy-cest.”
Sweepstakes safety chair Bug E. Driver told The Natrat that “We at Sweepstakes have been having trouble with this fraternity for years,” after narrowly dodging a student-built racing pod held together by glue and rusty instrument-case buckles. “It’s unacceptable what Zeta-Apple did, and the campus community can rest assured that we will catch any similar offenders.”
Zeta Apple, whose members number in the mid-tens, was kicked off campus in 2014 for hazing after it was discovered they were making pledges perform the “Pelican’s glide,” a notorious hazing ritual developed by prep school rugby teams in South Africa.
When reached for comment, the brothers of Zeta Apple simply responded with “Natrat losers can suck my balls, Zeta Apple squad for life, fuck the opps.”
Leave a Reply