by Zachary Gelman “Pissin’ on the Floor of Wean 4”
Carnegie Mellon is well known for its abundance of bathrooms, and the culture of etiquette that surrounds them. But times have changed, and I fear that this culture is slowly disappearing. Admitted students already have no clue about our toilet traditions, and since the fatcat Carnegie Mellon administration has refused my demands to introduce some Canvas B@CM (Bathrooming@Carnegie Mellon) modules, it has fallen upon me to document a sampling of our liquid traditions onto non-toilet paper.
§ 2.III.4 Urinal Code of Conduct: Carnegie Mellon students are social beings, from the lecture hall to the dining hall to the bedroom. Eagle-eyed readers will notice the dining hall → bedroom pipeline goes via the disposal of some liquid out of one pipe and into another. When doing this, the gentlemanly procedure is to chat up anyone else pissing. Topics abound, but remember to stay polite. Nobody likes a crass pisser. As for me, I prefer to discuss strategy. I’m a sniper, others have decided on a shotgun approach.
§ 4.IX.1 Stone-body Stone-dropper: The bathroom is your palace. On your porcelain throne, you are the man who would be king. And then in comes some shitter to ruin your day. It’s very impolite. You can’t let somebody know you’re in there, so the Carnegie Mellon strategy of choice is sitting absolutely motionless and silently on the John until the other guy leaves. Then you can return to your duty. As a plus, when you’re all alone, you don’t have to wash your hands!
§ 8.V.13 “Letting it rain”: The bathrooms in Baker-Porter are renowned for their liquidity. What may have started many years ago as some poor first-year’s incontinence has blossomed into a full-fledged tradition for the non-stats members of Dietrich College. These students, colloquially known as “actual Dietrich students,” do a yearly “spray and pray” during finals week, with some claiming it alleviates stress, and others describing the combo as a great way to save time in a week with so little of it. Professor D. Oppie is running a study on the effectiveness of this ritual.
§ 16.XIX.23 Handicapped Stalls: In compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, every bathroom is equipped with a handicapped stall. This is great for quadriplegics or amputees as well as those who like a little more legroom when doing their due diligence. But civilized norms require that the able-bodied among us cede the tiled floor to those who need it most, so the gentleman student must exclusively use the coffin-esque stalls, or perhaps one of the delightful urinals (if properly endowed) sprinkled along the walls at diverse heights. But there is an almighty exception. We just covered the ground floor here. Once you reach the dizzying heights of the second floor, the sky’s the limit. The inability of a wheelchair to roll up a flight of stairs permits us to even tinkle in a handicapped stall, guilt free!
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