Well, I’m only about one step into my brilliant plan to turn the entirety of pillbox into TMZ, so in that vein, it’s time to flex my tabloid muscles, talk a bit more about fake news, a bit less about real news, and delve into the wild and wonderful era of pop culture. You won’t believe who killed who, which celebrity is pregnant with an alien child, and how you, too, can become famous.
Beyoncé
All of Beyoncé. I’m serious, this woman cannot do anything without being pegged as part of some global conspiracy — it’s bad. Beyoncé wears blue? Conspiracy. Beyoncé wears red? Communism. Beyonce names her kid Blue Ivy? You know Bernadette from Facebook is about to spout some incredible theory about how Blue stands for “Born Living Under Evil.”
So given that my options are either to accuse Beyoncé of controlling the entire government using the shadow Illuminati or being an agent of the antichrist, I wanted to focus on a conspiracy that seemed way more exciting, and way more believable.
Sia lives in Beyoncé’s basement.
It’s so easy to believe if you ignore all of Sia’s live performances, which is just what the Website-Formerly-Known-As-Twitter managed to do when Sia tweeted in response to some random guy: “I live in Beyoncé’s basement.”
Wrap it up, folks, we have a confession. This case is as good as done. Sia is in Beyoncé’s basement, she’s working for the space aliens that want to eat your spleen, and the entire world is controlled by Jay-Z.
The astute among you may think this is just an example of a so-called “joke,” but if it was a joke, then answer me this: Why didn’t Sia say “just kidding”? I mean, if I was going to tell a joke, I would always say “just kidding” afterwards. What happens if the audience actually believed me?
With that objection out of the way, I want to address the “live performances” Sia has done. Obviously, she’s being forced to do those via psychic brace — I mean, do you think her hair is a style choice? No! There’s a whole mind control device hiding under it and it’s going full
“Clockwork Orange” on her. She wants to be in the comfort of her own home, doing whatever it is Sia does in her free time, but instead Beyoncé has her working to the bone in a makeshift torture/prison chamber in her basement. I’m disgusted.
Stevie Wonder isn’t actually blind
This one is just funny to talk about. Yeah, Stevie Wonder has been faking it non-stop for 70-odd years, because it makes him a more marketable performer. Showbiz, I guess? I’m not entirely sure.
Taylor in the trunk
Oh God! You exclaim. Has my favorite alt-rock/black-metal/trap rapper Taylor Swift been kidnapped? No.
Like, no. If Taylor was kidnapped, the U.S. response would make global warfare look tame. If Taytay goes missing, the next WMD we have to worry about is Swiftie Twitter.
Anyway, this conspiracy has to do with the paparazzi, as all good conspiracies do. Taylor Swift sneaks in and out of her houses folded up, human contortionist style, and stuffed into suitcases, luggage bags, and the occasional hollowed out wax statue of Taylor Swift herself. This is to prevent her fans from ever seeing her face before she reveals it, much like a bride, on her performance day. Allegedly, this is because Taylor’s face is actually fully detachable and if she wears it too long it gets moldy; that would really put a wrench in her touring schedule.
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