Okay, so apparently none of you losers sent me hate mail, or male hate, so I’m reposting my email. Please send your most vile threats to evj@andrew.cmu.edu.
Airy: So, like. Dude. You’re old now. Like, have you thought about it? You’re literally 20. Maybe more than that. Oh my God, you’re almost 25. And 25 is basically 30. And dude, if you’re 30, your hair is gonna fall out, you’re gonna have bad political opinions, and you’re gonna start listening to podcasts. And then you die. It’s true. 30 is the new 80. Live it up while you can.
P.S., we’re inducting Class of ‘28 next semester. You’re old.
Tories: Is he hot, or are you at Carnegie Mellon and desperate? (Spoiler: the only things redder than the flags you’re ignoring are our school colors.)
Jemineye: What if you don’t have imposter syndrome? You’re actually just not good enough to be here.
Cancer: Embrace your inner sociopath and start lying to your friends for profit. Eventually, you’ll end up with no friends or lots of money, and if you have no friends, you’ll finally be able to focus on your homework. Win-win-win.
Leo: Nobody wanted his number last time 🙁 But he’s such a cool guy 🙁 C’mon, please?
Virginia: If at first you don’t succeed, blame your lab partner. If you don’t have a lab partner, blame your TA. If you can’t blame your TA, blame me. Sorry about that.
Zebra: Listen to the voices in your head; they have your best interests at heart.
Skippy: I’m just going to point out that it’s easier to drink six cans of Celsius than fix your sleep schedule. Besides, we all know the only thing you’re doing during all-nighters is watching YouTube and lying to yourself that you’re going to do your homework.
Sagi- Saji- Saggy- Sagito- Skeleto-: How the f*** do you say this?
Capybara: God’s not dead. He is surely alive, and he really, really hates you.
Aquafina: https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/positive-affirmations-morning-routine/. You need this.
Piecy: Congratulations! You’re pregnant! Leo’s the father.
Bonus:
John: I think you’d be better off taking that midterm intoxicated. You’re gonna fail anyway; you might as well enjoy the experience.
Paul: It’s that time of year where if you put a stick — I cannot recommend this in pillbox. Pauls of the world, you know who you are.
George: Yeah, go snitch on that kid committing an AIV in 15122 while eating in the back of the Gallo room. He deserves it. Lazy nerd.
Ringo: Remember to thank God every day you’re not in the School of Computer Science. If you are in the School of Computer Science, DNI.
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