(Author’s note: Nothing in this article happened.)
While attending the school that is home to the No. 3 Drama School in the country, and that I affectionately call the 10th circle of Hell, I don’t really wind up having much free time to DO things, including, but not limited to, talking to other human beings, developing hobbies, and watching movies. But when I got a frantic call at 4 AM from the Powers That Be to write movie reviews, I faced a pickle. I would have to choose between submitting content for the second best newspaper in Pittsburgh, the jewel of the Harvard of Appalachia, or, horrifically, I’d have to lie. This was a moral choice of great proportions, a trolley problem that could never be decided without significant thought and action.
So, yeah, I’m going to lie. I have three assignments due; don’t expect anything outta me.
“Beetlejuice Beetlejuice”
Much like New York, New York, this is actually just the name of a city in the Australian state of Beetlejuice that holds the single non-dangerous creature on the entire continent. What this creature is remains a mystery, and it’s said that only by traveling to Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, can one truly understand the great dangers of living Down Under.
Rating: 0 Tim Curries out of 1 Addams Family
“Speak No Evil”
I accidentally watched this one, so I feel like I shouldn’t say anything about it, right?
Rating: 🙊out of 🙈
Rating: One Super Bowl Appearance out of One “Why is He Touching Alicia Keys Like That?”
“Deadpool & Wolverine”
A heartfelt story about two college roommates trying to put together the funds to live in a 100 square foot apartment in New York City. Once they find their apartment, they spend the rest of the movie having wacky hijinks with four other friends in a totally non-derivative work of fiction that ends with Deadpool marrying Monica.
Rating: One Ross out of Two Rachels
“Reagan”
Is that an American flag? AND A COWBOY HAT? The patriotism in me is overwhelming. WHAT THE F*** IS A KILOMETER RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Rating: 100 Fahrenheit out of I dunno, 14 Celsius? I gots no clue how these damn European units work.
“Alien: Romulus”
This movie is reminding me of how much I think about the Roman Empire, and all I’m saying is they’ve got a ready-made sequel in Alien: Remus if they ever wanna make it.
Rating: Three Aliens out of Four Aliens, but the Four Aliens are way cooler than the Three Aliens.
“It Ends With Us”
I really wish it had ended before us. Like, in the past. Sometime where I don’t need to do the ending. That’s hard, and I’m not good at confrontation. Don’t make me end things.
Rating: Too Much Incest
“A Quiet Place: Day One”
My 9 a.m. when the professor announces no more attendance policy.
Rating: I’m going to go to sleep now.
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