(Disclaimer: we are both 21 years of age.)
We drank blicky again, we drove to West Virginia for eight bottles of Aldi wine (only $4 each!), we had SO MANY Rum and Cokes, and we got absolutely gigglified. I guess we also watched some movies. Spoilers ahead!
“Brokeback Mountain” (2005)
Haley: This movie is genuinely a masterpiece. Every single time I go into it thinking “Hee hoo gay cowboys :3” and then I leave sobbing.
Lora: I always thought that Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal was a weird pairing for an iconic gay movie like this one, but they both nailed the exact kind of yearning, heartbreak, and shenanigans I was hoping for.
“Challengers” (2024)
H: I wanna $@!& Trent Reznor like an animal for this score.
L: This is my third time watching this movie, but on my second watch on an airplane, I got to watch the 30-year-old sitting across the aisle from me witness the one minute long “Art-rick” makeout scene for the first time with an evil smirk on my face.
“Thor: Ragnarok” (2017)
H: I was acting up to such a degree that Lora and my roommate started threatening physical violence (with an inflatable hammer). What a time to be a bisexual.
L: I’m just here to say I love Tessa Thompson (please marry me).
“Black Swan” (2010)
H: SEBASTIAN STAN JUMPSCARE! (I literally shrieked out loud. Baller movie though.)
L: I’m on Nina’s side — everyone was out to get her because she was simply too mother.
“Us” (2019)
H: I already knew the main twist of the movie but I still greatly appreciated how smart the main characters were the whole time! It’s so satisfying to see people actually making smart choices instead of running away into the shed full of chainsaws.
L: $@!& THE POLICE COMIN’ STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND!
“The Killing of a Sacred Deer” (2017)
H: God, Barry Keoghan is such a little freak. Horrific. I loved it.
L: This movie would not end. It was so horrifying and I was so uncomfortable.
“Teen Beach Movie” (2013)
H: I had a nightmare featuring a man who looked just like Butchy a few nights after watching this. Not sure what that means.
L: Everyone in this movie is gay and I’m not accepting criticism for this opinion — argue with the wall.
“Magic Mike” (2012)
H: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!
L: There were not nearly the amount of male strip routines I was expecting from this movie. Also: Why is Florida colored the same way they color “third world” countries in movies made by ignorants?
“The Happiest Season” (2020)
H: This was genuinely painful to watch at times, but it had Kristen Stewart, so it was worth it. Also, justice for the fish.
L: I’d leave a closeted woman at war with her family for Aubrey Plaza any day.
“The Quick and the Dead” (1995)
H: God, this is probably my favorite cinematography to ever grace a screen. Please watch it. (Also another baller movie for the bisexuals out there — 1990s Sharon Stone and Russell Crowe? Yes please.)
L: I was fighting for my life trying to stay awake during this movie simply because I am God’s sleepiest soldier, but oh, Sharon Stone is so hot in this movie.
“The Half of It” (2020)
H: The moral of the story is that every lesbian needs her himbo bestie.
L: I want to try taco sausage so bad now. I think I need to take a trip to the grocery store.
“The Boy and the Heron” (2023)
H: I genuinely could not tell you a single thing that happened in this movie but I CAN tell you that Dave Bautista jumpscared me.
L: Robert Pattinson absolutely killed his role as this freaky stalker heron.
“Victor Frankenstein” (2015)
H: I’ve seen gay pornography that was straighter than whatever Victor and Igor had going on.
L: These are the freakiest little freaky freaks that have ever freaked.
“Renfield” (2023)
H: SO freaky. SO weirdo. SO silly. I loved it.
L: I could not keep a straight face because Nicolas Cage was being SO ridiculous the entire time.
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