The titles will get ever more tortured.
So here’s the thing. I hate the Los Angeles Dodgers. I would go into detail on how much I hate the Los Angeles Dodgers, but the Powers That Be refuse to let me detail my deep rooted hatred for L.A. and California writ large, so I must seethe in private.
On top of that, I really hate the New York Yankees. Besides their cardinal sin — being above the Mason-Dixon line — they’re also the Evil Empire of baseball. 27 World Series, 41 pennants, 61 hall of famers, and a team that has won a World Series every decade since the ’20s (barring the ’80s and teens, but nothing that happened in the ’80s really counts and nobody liked the teens either). If the Yankees were to play Satan, I would have to root for Beelzebub for at least a couple games.
So imagine my dismay, or more generally my horror, that the two teams in this year’s edition of the Fall Classic are the Los Angeles Dodgers and the New York Yankees.
God is dead, and we have killed Him, and in His place is a macabre illusion that Paul Manfred has sold his soul to commune with.
At least it’s a good World Series.
The first game ended in the 10th following, get this, a walkoff grand slam by Freddie Freeman. A walkoff grand slam oh my god I hate this sport I hate these teams why do I even watch baseball who trusted me with this column someone find Kyle Hynes please please something is terribly, terribly wrong.
Minor mental breakdowns aside, I cannot, in good faith, deny that this WS feels like a cheesy baseball flick. Bottom of the 10th, two outs, down one, grand slam. A one-out save from the Dodgers the next night. A 2-0 lead against the most storied franchise in the junior circuit.
How can you not be romantic about baseball?
Well, it’s hard unless you’re Aaron “Mendoza Line” Judge, who’s currently batting just a hair under .200 in over 200 plate appearances. Aaron Judge is nearing half a season of miserable, replacement-level ball, on the biggest stage in the sport.
That isn’t good, and it spells doom for the Bronx… Little Bombers? Or was that just the ’09 squad? The Bronx Bombshells, that’s the name. It spells doom for a Yanks team that’s playing in its first World Series since ’09, because if the bats are cold, and the pitching is anything less than beyond stellar, this might just be a Dodgers sweep.
Lord save us all.
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