Oh God, Dwayne Johnson made another miserable action movie.
I don’t wanna say it feels like The Rock is cooking up the Hallmark of action films, but The Rock is absolutely cooking up a filmography that’s just the Hallmark of action films. This being a Christmas/holiday movie is just a tacky conclusion to that idea.
So I’m not gonna review this film by talking about plot, or story, because there is neither of those things. If you’re interested in a silly holiday flick to watch with your friends, family, loved ones, and hated ones, this is a great choice. It’s got cheesy slick action, it’s got a quip here and there, it’s got big guys with muscles, it’s got terrible dialogue, it’s got the sort of things you need to waste time in this most special and celebratory part of the year. Watch it — it’s not terrible. Just don’t pay for it. I’m not saying to commit piracy, mind you, because piracy is illegal. What you want to do is find some low-down, no good criminal, steal their laptop (stealing from a thief is always ethical or something), and then watch their pirated edition of “Red One,” complete with gambling ads paying sponsorships for subtitles. And they say the papers ain’t teach you nothing.
The thing is, this is a star studded cast. Ish. It’s got Chris “I have at least two emotions” Evans, Lucy “I’m referenced in an Andre 3000 song” Liu, and J. K. “You thought I was gonna say Rowling, huh?” Simmons, and that should be enough. Instead this is just another soulless part of The Rock’s ever expanding list of movies that feel like they were produced, filmed, and created because an executive took a massive load of LSD and decided he wanted to make things that could be called movies if someone had the memory of an Alzheimer’s ridden goldfish and forgot every film that ever existed before.
I don’t like The Rock’s movies, have you noticed?
See, The Rock is from a very different world than most actors — he’s from pro wrestling. And in pro wrestling, you can’t really choose how the audience sees you. You can try, of course. Lord knows MJF makes me angry as hell, and Roman Reigns fully converted an audience of haters with one of the best transformations in wrestling history, but by and large, if the audience hates you, tough luck kid, try again. The Rock has dealt with that.
And he seems eager to never touch that sort of character again. The Rock has characters that feel like the backstory of a fictional president, one played by Martin Sheen back when he was a young hunk. You’d hear about it as a B-plot to some major world event (I dunno, Martin Sheen fights Robo-ISIS using the power of sectarianism), where Jim (the intern) would explain to Pam (naming people is hard) that President Sheen had once starred in a spate of action comedies that instantly made him an American name.
That long tangent exists for a reason. The Rock’s movies aren’t risky. He’s never interesting, or anything more than a big, strong man. As someone who to this day swears up and down that wrestling is real to me, I’ve seen that man be a heel and a half, and watching this era of him feels stale. It’s like watching the PG era of WWE after the attitude era and whatever Triple H was doing. This is what they did to my trash-talking, fun-loving The Rock? This guy sucks!
Of course, they, in this case, are, well, Mr. The Rock. Dwayne “Big” Johnson knows he’s a brand now. Brands get money, and you can’t sell a brand if you play different characters. But an actor-as-a-brand isn’t going to make cinema or movies that are weird, or silly, or the sort I want to tell people enthusiastically to go watch because it’s either the greatest thing you’ve ever seen or something that makes my short films from junior high seem palatable. It just makes more movies to watch at Christmas while you pray your uncle doesn’t bring up politics again.
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