by Lora Kallenberg “Definitely Not an MCS Primate Experimental Subject”
Anyone who’s anyone at Carnegie Mellon knows that the Mellon Institute is running experiments on monkeys. (If you didn’t know, then you’re a loser. I don’t know what to tell you.) What you may not know is that it has been recently determined that these monkeys are now fit for human society!
After many many years of woefully cruel experiments involving large needles, meals from Stack’d Underground, and enrollment in 15-112, we are finally going to be able to meet these wonderful creatures. Starting Monday, April 1, we will be welcoming the monkeys onto our campus as prospective students. Make sure to look up, because they do fly!
These monkeys will be going through a “trial run” before they are officially enrolled as first-years in the fall, though some of these primates may find that they are better suited for staff or faculty positions here at Carnegie Mellon. Either way, these creatures are here to stay, whether you like it or not!
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