By Haley Williams
The Penguins still suck. They’ve lost seven of their last 10 games and the goaltenders are getting absolutely no support in front of the net. This stupid team is not going to the playoffs, and thinking about them makes me sad, so instead I’m gonna think about something that makes me happy, and rank NHL goaltenders by how hot I personally think they are. I will not be taking any criticisms at this time.
**Disclaimer: I have bad taste in men. You don’t have to tell me. Also, don’t look at their official headshots when you judge me. Those don’t count, they’re always horrible. Look at the pictures of them on the ice when they’re sweaty from a game. Yeah. That’s what I’m using for these rankings.
10. Igor Shesterkin, NYR – This pick alone should tell you that this list is entirely looks-based. I have personal beef with the Rangers and with Igor especially, but he earned this spot on this list fair and square, so he’s here.
9. Jonathan Quick, NYR – Come on, look at him! What a cutie. Have you seen his smile? 🙂
8. Pyotr Kochetkov, CAR – This guy looks like someone I’d meet in my hometown, but like…. (affectionate). I can’t help the way I was raised.
7. Marc-Andre Fleury, VGK – This might be a controversial pick, but someone once told me, “You probably think Fleury is hot,” and I had to google him to figure out what he looked like first, but they were right. I do think he’s hot.
6. Ivan Prosvetov, COL – We weren’t getting out of this list without a scrungly man appearance, and I think this is approximately as scrungly as NHL goalies get.
5. Joseph Woll, TOR – My God, he’s a cutie. Especially with his hair grown out?? Yeah.
4. Devon Levi, BUF – This is a guy that I’d see on TikTok doing guitar covers with 40 Monster cans stacked in the background.
3. Stuart Skinner, EDM – BY GOD, LOOK AT THAT MUSTACHE!
2. Laurent Brossoit, VGK – It was around here that I realized I might have a type.
NHL’s Hottest Goalie award goes to…..
1. Tristan Jarry, PGH – Come on now, we all knew this was coming! How could I put anyone but my pookie in the number one spot? He’s the posterboy for golden retriever boyfriend, he’s horrifically awkward on the mic anytime they interview him (yass girl, give us nothing!), and he’s PERFECT! He also happens to be one of the only good things about the Penguins, and he’s tied for first in the league at seven shutouts. God bless Tristan Jarry.
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